Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Fanboy Alert!

So apparently over at Slate it was "Let a Tiger Beat writer intern with the big boys" day. What a gushing, nonsensical, completely unsubstantiated fluff piece. I was semi-literally expecting the little note about the author that usually appears at the end of articles to say something like "John Dickerson cupped the balls of several White House officials in investigating this report."

My favorite parts:
The presidency distorts the brain like perhaps no other job on Earth. In the First Noggin, there must be many compartments locked double tight, so the president doesn't show anything on his face.

Ooh "double tight!" It's true, if I don't lock things in compartments in my brain they end up being shown "on" my face. This is why I suck at chit chat, cuz my face is screaming out "fuck you, crazy lady!" People don't like that.
Sometimes he must keep secrets even from the people who work down the hall. But each box has to be accessible immediately if a decision needs to be made.

This is also a very special skill. Everyone on my hallway at the office knows how big a David Schwimmer fan I am, and is completely up to date on which of my family members is an alcoholic. Also, I know when I tell someone a secret I want them to keep, I make sure they provide me with a detailed description of their work area layout (sometimes I need a diagram). If they work on anything resembling a hallway, I just keep that shit to myself (and my hallmates). And if they work in a cubicle!? Well then fuck me!

Sometimes however I try really hard to not tell the Hall-folks my secrets, but this has drawbacks: 1) it's totally exhausting and hurts my "First Noggin" and, 2) sometimes I try to so hard not to share it that I end up forgetting the information altogether, or, in a best case scenario, it takes me hours to access the info, like a dial-up modem downloading a JPEG of a cat wearing sunglasses. People who can "immediately" access information that they've inexplicably decided to store in their brain, should probably have their own comic book and lunchbox.
On Saturday he attended the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, where he had to tell jokes and sit through a comedy routine during which everyone watched his every facial twitch for insights into his psyche.

Oh man, it must have been so lame to sit through a comedy routine, especially when it was that dumb-ass Gallagher doing is whole crush-things-with-a-mallet shtick. Oh no, wait a second, it was the head writer for SNL, who skewered all the president's opponents. But all that champagne and gourmet food probably made the situation unbearable. I don't know much about this John Dickerson guy, but he's apparently from the Midwest or maybe the South? You know, that part of the country where they say "everyone watched his every facial twitch for insights into his psyche" where you or I would "everyone got shitfaced and laughed their asses off." Regional idioms are so wacky!

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